Golf Jokes

This is a growing archive of golf jokes. Submit any jokes to Aaron and he'll post them unanimously. It's more about quantity than quality. When we get a lot of them we can sort out the good ones.

10 Laws of Golf

LAW 1: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. 

LAW 2: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in a lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. 

LAW 3: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. 

LAW 4: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. 

LAW 5: Palm trees eat golf balls. 

LAW 6: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? 

LAW 7: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. 

LAW 8: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. 

LAW 9: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. 

LAW 10: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. 

This guy and his wife are golfing in a rural golf course. He hits off the 7th tee and shanks it. Finding the ball, he sees that a barn is between him and the green. He is about to hit a 3 iron back out to the fairway when his wife says that she can see the flag from behind the barn, all he has to do is  hit a 7 iron through the barn and he can reach. He looks up and by god he can see through the barn to the green. So he cranks up and hits through the barn. Unfortunately, the ball hits a beam and ricochets off the beam hitting his wife in the head and killing her. About a year later, the same guy is playing on the course with his buddy. He tees off the same hole and shanks it once again, landing in almost the exact spot he was a year before. His buddy says " Hey look you can see the green through that old barn. Go for it why dontcha?"
"No way" says the guy. "Last time I tried that, I wound up with a double bogey."

UNASSAILABLE TRUTHS OF GOLF (sent in by Paul Higaki)

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead is still putting out, you have two options, you can immediately shank a lay–up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. (so quoted Clinton)

14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50ft. putt when you lie 9.

17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

18. Nonchalant putts count the same chalant putts.

19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

21. There are two kinds of bounces, unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

22. You can hit a 2–acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2–inch branch 90% of the time.

23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

24. If you want to hit a 7–iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of the back–swing by his handicap. Example: back–swing 20, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.

26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back–swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

"Rules of Golf" - uncovered in club archives, circa 1978

Here are some beer-related bits of beer-related wisdom:

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. "This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members." In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. "That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."